Routines.

I’ve never really had them. At least, not since I was a really young kid, and outside of school and work. Or if I did, they weren’t deliberate and satisfying, which I think qualified them more as “ruts.” Tomorrow begins a new routine involving (much) earlier mornings, a LOT of writing, and daily check-ins with my sponsor before work. Which means tonight begins a routine of earlier bedtimes, because otherwise I will epically fail at mornings. This is the start of what I’m viewing as the “maintenance” part of my program, having set myself up for the later steps with a sort of bootcamp-style first eight, and prepations for nine.

To clarify for those of you who are unfamiliar with Al-Anon and may have clicked through a direct link and didn’t see the sticky post that tells a little about it, being part of Al-Anon doesn’t mean I can’t or don’t drink, that I judge anyone else’s drinking habits, or spend a whole lot of time thinking about actual alcoholism or addiction in others, even though that’s what qualifies me for the program. This is about me and my behaviors, thought processes, habits, and flaws. It’s about the ways I have been affected, yes, but not with an eye toward placing blame or removing my own responsibility for the resulting behaviors. It’s about taking responsibility for what is mine, and letting go of the rest. Sometimes I want to take responsibility for other people’s hurts and anger and grudges even when I did not cause them harm; I’m able to relieve myself of those burdens and focus on the ways I have been at fault, and have hurt others and myself. I can see the patterns in my life that have ultimately hurt me, exhausted me, and shrouded the path to the life I want to live. So, it’s time to start “clearing away the fuzz,” as my sponsor put it. Taking all the crap that keeps me awake at night and makes my head spin crazy lies to taunt me and keeps me doing the same stupid shit over and over, and handing it over to the Universe, to a power far better equipped to make it all go away than all my failed efforts have been.

So in a way, I guess I have had some routines – ones that desperately need to be replaced with heart-and-mind-healthy ones. So here we go. :)

Gratitude:

Joshua time.

Long weekends.

Shared birthday plans.

My friends experiencing love and excitement and good feelings in their days.

Summer.