Brain cramp.

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Comments: 10

Sometimes I am cruising along on a very specific train of thought when I draft a post in my mind. That was the case for my “letting go of expectations” post, and yet… There was a very important bit that completely escaped me when I was writing it, and which came to mind immediately after publishing.

I wonder if the omission was subconsciously deliberate (is that an oxy moron?).

So, I need to talk about the purple, glittery, showtune-singin’ elephant on the blog.

There are people who I know read this who would absolutely see themselves in what I haven’t yet said. There are people I don’t know read this blog but who might, who could see themselves in what I haven’t yet said. I am walking a fine line every time I post here and share the link publicly.

I don’t want to censor myself. I don’t want to be passive-aggressive or subversive or gamey. I don’t want to hurt anyone or make anyone question things that my words should NOT make them question. To anyone who reads what I have not yet shared, but will, I ask you to consider it not as something to contradict what you know and feel from our interactions, but something to reinforce it.

So, with that in mind, I am going to leave this post’s comments open. I invite anyone who reads to leave an anonymous comment, and I welcome you to elaborate or not on your feelings on this topic. I am not linking this to any social networks; this is just for active readers, not folks who may find it interesting to see what comments are left. I’ve changed settings so that name and email are not required, and comments will not be visible to anyone who just happens upon my page.

I’m not entirely sure what I hope to gain from this. Maybe an opportunity to quell my fear that I will hurt someone with my words? Maybe a chance to reassure readers, known or unknown, that they were not the first or only person on my mind when I was contemplating X Y or Z difficult topic? Maybe I just needed to say, “I realize that you may see yourself in this. I acknowledge it, I value it, I honor it, and I also am going to address this thing that is important for me to put out there as part of my Truth. Whether it is ‘about’ you or not, you are learning something important about me, and I want you to know it. Do with it what you will.”

I guess that’s all for now. I have a lot of big feelings that I don’t think I would have had if I would have journaled and outlined my “Letting go, Part 4” post. I guess that’ll learn me.



10 Responses

    • T, I think if it needed to make sense to you, it would. :)
      The short of it is that I don’t want to write, or not write, anything here because of who might be reading and what they might interpret that I haven’t explicitly stated. So, I’m not going to worry about it anymore. At least, that is my goal. :)

  1. It seems to me that you have done a beautiful job of getting yourself out there while balancing any hidden meaning business; not that it was ever really *your* difficulty. I am pretty sure that you have said before that your writing is for you and not for others. That idea must be difficult to maintain when you are feeling that many people are reading who could take your information personally or whatnot. As a reader, I don’t feel that you need to trouble yourself with worry. You are an absolutely adorable, super smart, kind hearted, compassionate girl covered with all kinds of beautiful, who is making big changes while working your heart out to do so; *that* is what comes out in your posts. (That sentence is practically a sea of commas.)

    • Lists require commas, and you used a semicolon where it mattered; for that, you receive a gold star. :)

      Thank you for your words. I imagine that someday this will not be an issue. In the meantime, though, I have been struggling quite a lot with it, every day, in every post. It kind of takes a lot out of me, and that is a silly expenditure of mental and emotional energy. I’m going to stop that now.

      • Good for you. It would be much too difficult if you had to keep all of that worry up. I don’t care to see you all weighed down. Good luck to you in all things and even though you don’t always believe the good stuff, you *need* to remember that you are different from others; you are seriously genuine and quite unconditional. People are very luck to have you in their life and the things you write or don’t write will never change that…never ever.

        “And Max, the king of all wild things, was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all.” You love your people best of all and that is a gift that many people don’t get the opportunity to receive. I feel lucky to know about this love.

        Thank you for all of the things that you are and for all of the things that you share.

        Love, Kelly

  2. I came across your post while browsing and I’m not really sure what to say about it.
    Or what I will not say, either.
    Although, having thought about it for a second or two I will say that my birth family was/ is dysfunctional and we all spent a lot of time trying to guess what the others meant in the things they didn’t say.
    And it gave me quite a few hang-ups.
    Some of these problems regarding clear communication still remain and I am still working at being more open and honest in my conversations. And so it really doesn’t do a lot for me when someone says that others would see themselves in what you haven’t yet said.
    For me, in my simple mind, if you have something to say, then you should say it. Using words.
    Trying to say something by not saying it is unhealthy.

    I wonder if you will allow these thoughts to be included in your comments?
    And I wonder what comment you will make, or if you will say something to me by not saying it?
    It surely is a conundrum

    • Hello, Dave, and welcome. This post had, and has, much to do with one particular situation I’d recently experienced, and how I was finding it difficult to share as freely here as I would like. I have often allowed my fear of angering or hurting another person, or of being misunderstood and unable to clarify, to influence what I say, or indeed whether or not I say it. Much of that is the result of poor communication or complete lack of it in my childhood and youth, and I, too, am working to break those deeply-ingrained habits.
      What I felt the need to address openly for my own sake, is that everything I say here, whether it also has to do with my interpersonal relationships, has primarily to do with me, my (painstakingly slow at times) personal growth, and the ways I hope to achieve greater mental and emotional well-being in the year ahead.
      I need to remember that I cannot control what others see when they read my words. I can control whether or not my words are my whole Truth, as I wish them to be. It isn’t always easy to set aside the fears that tell me that I am going to suffer some kind of loss or pain as a result of my honesty, but it is something I must learn if I am to write, speak, and live with integrity and purpose.
      Thank you for your thoughts, and for allowing me the opportunity to expand on this cryptic but personally meaningful post. I hope you’ll continue to read and spark further conversation!

      • Thank you Kirsten
        Having re-read the comment I made yesterday I think I was being a little brusque and wasn’t considering exactly where you could be coming from.
        Thank you for explaining your position.
        The comments you had made in your post make more sense now, in the light of what you say
        I’m glad I have found you through your blog and I definitely will look back to enjoy your writing

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