In both more and less serious news… A real post.

Once upon a time, there was a girl, and she was pretty much afraid of everything. Even when she made jokes or introduced herself to strangers or yelled at people who were big and mean and scary, she was feeling scared and small and anxious inside. She did these bold things because she thought if she looked not-afraid, maybe no one would see how small she felt, and then they couldn’t laugh at her for being such a scaredy-cat. Being laughed at what was she was scared of the most.

But the irony was, the things she did that people could see made them think she wasn’t scared of anything, when really she was scared of everything. So they thought she was fearless and confident and had her shit together, and they were intimidated – all of the things she admired in other people, and which made her feel like they wouldn’t want to befriend her scaredy self, made them feel intimidated by her, so they didn’t want to befriend her unapproachable self.

And the girl heard about this from time to time, but it was difficult for her to accept it. So she thought of other reasons why maybe friendships didn’t just materialize. Maybe she was super socially awkward – she could certainly think of a thousand things that she was embarrassed to have said, and they came to her in the night, mocking and keeping her from sleep. Maybe she had accidentally slighted someone by forgetting something important, and been branded callous and cold and uncaring – she could certainly think of a thousand birthdays, breakups, and moving parties she’d neglected to acknowledge. Maybe she had talked too much about herself – she could certainly think of many conversations with caring listeners who had allowed her to ramble on and on about the changes in her life, the struggles she was facing, the questions she couldn’t answer.

Then one night, she sat down and thought about friendship, love, and how she interacts with her world. She made herself look objectively at her life and the people in it. She forced herself to acknowledge the good in herself, and the ways she held herself back. She took a deep breath and said, “I’m going to lay this shit out for myself and anyone who cares to see it, and I’m going to contemplate what parts of who I am are things I am willing to accept, and what parts are things I can and want to change. And I am going to consider the fact that maybe I am someone people want in their life, and I’m not the only one who feels scared and anxious about making friends.”

So she wrote a blog post. And she put the link out there for her world to see. And she smiled to know that it was okay that it didn’t make a whole lot of sense, and that most of the people who would read it had also had at least a couple of adult beverages, and that she might regret it when she woke up the next day but that it couldn’t be taken back. And that that was a good thing.

This year, I will not allow my actions, or lack of actions, to be motivated by fear. I will be myself without shame. I will say and do stupid shit and accept that sometimes that’s how I roll, and that one moment of stupidity does not necessarily mean that someone will write me off as a complete dumbass. I will approach acquaintances I admire and make an effort to become friends. I will talk to friends about things I’ve been scared to address with them for fear that our differences will separate us. I will allow myself to love who I will, and not box myself or them in. I will set and maintain healthy boundaries. I will grow outside of previously set boundaries that only existed to create an illusion of safety. I will live and love and hurt and grow even when I am scared.

And I will start wearing glitter pretty much every day. Because that shit is who I am.

Welcome to 2012. Thanks for reading.



6 Responses

  1. Happy New Year, Kirsten!

    Much of this post expresses things I’ve felt. So Hurray for you! for seeing it, saying it, and being true to yourself. :)

  2. I think you’re pretty damned awesome. In many ways, I aspire to be more like you. This is my year of letting go of fear, too.

    • Marieke, you are sweet :) Fear was one of the things I wanted to let go of last year, and I managed some baby steps, but I still have a long road ahead.

  3. Kir, I’m so lucky to have someone as amazing as you be my very best friend.
    As I took my turquoise New Year’s Day bath I was considering honesty, and how fear of rejection can make me dishonest with myself and sometimes with others, which prevents me from intimacy, thereby fulfilling the fears I have that prevent me from being totally honest in the first place. It is one of my letting go plans for 2012.
    I adore you.

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